But in order to know virtue,
We must acquaint ourselves with vice.
Only then can we know
the full measure of man.
So come, I dare you.
Turn the page...
All This Feels Strange and Untrue
Sep 17, 2008
"Where are you?"
The thorns, at the very least, imprinted themselves into my feet as I walked. At the very worst, they buried inside my high heeled callused heel. One sandal had previously lodged itself into the muddied river bank and was now in my hand, broken -- a semi-failed attempt at retrieving it. There was no choice but to keep going. There was no path amongst the shrubs, ivy and wild green abandon-- only the hint of one as he made his way through it all in front of me. It seemed like minutes since I'd seen him, he had gotten so far ahead. We turned often, losing track of each other as I tread delicately along, trying to ignore the constant pain. None of me wanted to be there. A good portion of me wanted to cry.
The rustling in front of me stopped. He hadn't gotten too far ahead. I continued forward with my city girl pace, wincing instead of crying out with each step. I had come all the way out here and I was pretty sure it was all for naught. Sure, there was a part of me that liked him, but it was slowly sliding away as I began to accept that our one night together had been an anomaly.
A branch hit against my face, scratching the ruddy complexion of my cheeks. I pushed it away and felt a morbid satisfaction as a heard it crack and fall to the ground.
"Yeah, I'm here. I'm actually kinda proud of you for coming out here today." After a few more steps, his medium build and gawky grin came intro view. It was a quick reminder that while he was not an unattractive man by any means, he was not the kind of guy I usually found myself drawn to. Instead it was the conversation, his ambition, his intelligence and his brutal honesty.
"Is it obvious this isn't my kind of thing?" I countered with a tired, down trodden voice. My hair was wet with river water, stringy and far from its usually flouncy put together look. I could feel the beginning flush of a sunburn on my cheeks and the goosebumps ripple underneath the mud caked over my legs. The sun was beginning to set, but I couldn't tell if it was seeing him that did it, or the quickly vanishing warmth of the sun. My toes curled underneath the foliage beneath me, absentmindedly trying to stay warm. Falling into the water had not helped.
"I know," he said with an oozing warmth I'd never heard in his voice before. His hand slipped underneath the layers of my muddied hair. On either side of my face, I felt his fingertips combing just barely through my hair. His palms rested comfortably underneath either side of my jaw and without asking, he kissed me.
Posted at 02:05 am by julietscarlet
Sep 15, 2008
Seeing you, even doing something as mundane as running your tongue over chapped lips brought me such an easily given bliss. Sometimes it feels like I'll never feel that bliss, but you hand it out as if it were leftovers.To see you there, still in one piece. That same giving smile, though a little hardened. Same gray blue eyes smiling at me. It was you and you know how much I hate to be reminded of us when you're so far away from me.
So unsafe. If I thought about that too much, I'd go crazy.
Instead I think about how go from day to day. How I'm insanely lucky to have you in my life, even if it's just a slice. Not many can say they've seen the Jekyll and Hyde-- but you have. And still, when we woke up you kissed me. Just knowing that you exist, even if we'll continually cross paths at the wrong time is a peace I'll never be able to fully repay you for.
Posted at 03:04 am by julietscarlet
Still, you don't regret a single day
Feb 12, 2008
Given time, I could have fallen. (I always do.) It would have been... Messy. Bloody. Scrapped and skinned knees. But it was anyway, wasn't it? I couldn't have given any more of myself. As it was, there was so little to give. So much wrapped up in someone else. You can't forget that soon. I waded deeply inside your smile and pretended it didn't exist. It was a carpe diem of the worst kind. How I could fall into such selfish wanderings on late nights, on dark streets, my hand in yours? That's the silly riddle. A mystery of epic proportions-- but only when I let myself think about it.
Even still, I think about it. Who couldn't? It's not that I even care if you do or do not. What it meant to me in and of itself is wholly fascinating. I wish I could talk to everyone about it, just to see their surprised expression. A part of me thinks that I was being self-destructive. That would make sense. Instead, I ended up having some of the most eye-opening conversations while we laid there. While we walked, talked. Kissed.
Such a conundrum. Though perhaps not. With all bad, comes good. You were so good. You know. Perhaps I did fall, for a brief moment. A different shelf, to be sure. You won't be put away with the regulars or the casual encounters. You were different, passionate. Brief but immortal. If anything, a muse. At the very least, a muse. It was so simple, it scares me.
Posted at 12:16 am by julietscarlet
It's always à bientôt, never adieu.
Feb 11, 2008
Only out of vice, confusion or lack of understanding have I always been coerced to write. I say coerced, because it is no longer characterized as an urge or desire. Compelled, is more succinct way to put it. It comes and goes, like the inevitable ups and downs I am thrust into. The ups don't seek my permission any more than when the downs delight in ravishing over my shouting to cease. And still, we're left with chaos.
The laundry isn't done.
The whirring absent.
He doesn't love me any more.
The phone doesn't ring.
Even amongst the daily monotony, the complete and utter safety we cling to, there's one phone call that sends you crashing down. Or a look from someone you trusted doesn't feel as concrete as it did. You drop your wallet in a parking lot and don't realize it until you get home. You just want him to call and he doesn't. And I suppose an update is in order. It'll be vague and prompt.
Someone came back into my life. He's going to Iraq in June. I told him not to join and he did anyway. I tried to be the most amazing person I could to him. He liked to talk about how he dreamed about us being married, only to wake up in barracks. For a while, I went along with it. Perhaps a testament to my grasping for something to take hold of me. Make me feel alive. But I couldn't do it. Or he couldn't do it. I'm not sure which. I tried, I can at least assure myself. I'm getting better at knowing when to just give up. It's the shredding of idealism. Sad, inevitable, true.
I got my job back that I had before I moved. Which is great, nice. All those good things. Hopefully will be moving out on my own soon. It's suffocating here. Somewhere along the line, I grew up and suddenly that's an invitation into everyone's problems. I don't want them.
I fell in love with a movie, Amazing Grace. I'd never heard much about it, but it was a must see for me-- you know me and my period movies.
But first and foremost, I'm compelled to write.
And so I will.
Posted at 02:55 am by julietscarlet